I Loved You Before I Met You

location: Lounge

mood: sad

music: Without You-The Feeling

A few years ago I had a domain called antilove.org, and to be honest that's how I am feeling right now! Probably because I am broken hearted, it totally sucks you know? Being hurt. I cried some, I know I need to cry some more. Alice is probably going to ask me about this, and I'll tell her, and then I'll cry again. I feel as if my heart has been pulled out of my chest literally. I had a dream last night. I wrote it in an MSN message to Chris tonight so I'll try to retrieve it. Because it has to do with him. And I found the connection with the dream and him tonight. Here is the dream.

It was weird, we (Chris, myself and Mark *his brother* of all people) were in a building, what looked to be flats opposed to offices, I'm not sure though. but all 3 of us were in a hall way. and there was this mechanical roundish thing that we were suppose to move around to different places, why? I don't know. but we were moving it, but we were also warned that if we jerked it or bumped too hard, it would trigger a device and it would explode. So we were be ultra careful. so I moved it some, then Chris, then Mark, but he bumped it a bit, and then we actually heard the device trigger click, the bomb you know. Like it set it in motion. We all heard that click sound and we looked up at each other and I yelled "RUN". So we were running down the hall trying to get out of the building before it went off, I remember Chris was in front of me and Mark, and Mark was running slow, so for some weird reason I pulled him by his hand to pull him up faster and away from the blast, then it suddenly went off and we heard it cos it was a loud blast, then I looked at mark and I'm like where is Chris. Then we realized he was behind us!

Which is weird cos I could of sworn you were in front, then we didn't find him, and we ran out, then we came to the conclusion he died in the explosion and I was so devastated and sad, and I felt like I was dying from knowing he died. .. then Mark and I was somewhere else, but he was off doing something, I was just kind like sitting thinking about stuff that just happened and how so sad I was.

I woke up after a bit and just felt the overwhelming sadness in me. I was worried if he was alright and stuff. But that dream or should I said nightmare weighed heavy on my mind cos I couldn't imagine not being with out him. Even though he don't feel like I do and probably never will and i guess that's a part that hurts a lot as well. But it was a weird a detailed dream its so weird.

Anyway, so yeah I feel as if that dream was telling me what was going to happen tonight. Basically he, Chris don't feel for me as I feel for him. We have a lot of history, and well I love him, but he don't love me and that is the part that hurts the most. I asked him directly tonight because I needed to know. It was better I know. He said he honestly didn't know, but I know what that means. So we watched a film tonight, he called me as and we were on the phone while we watched it. We did that a lot in the past, we did so much together. Anyway, so after tonight and everything I feel. I know it would hurt too much to keep talking to him, and I really need to get over him. So I know its not right not to tell him anything, but I feel its just better I don't and just stop talking to him. Cos I need to. Cos it hurts too much. My finally text message to him tonight was. The film ended anyway (we lost connection), and no point in wasting your credit. Sweet dreams, Gd night, Gd bye. That was my goodbye to him, but for the record it's not forever. I'm just really hurting right now. and best way to get over things, is to be left alone, and way from the person. I have to go. I feel a crying session coming on.

This song will always remind me of him. :(

mood: cold

music: The Fray - Dead Wrong | Scrobbled by Last.fm

It's cold, and over cast, and makes you want to stay in bed under the covers. Anyway apart from that bad weather news lol. I'm doing okay. Going through a lot emotionally, and just doing a lot of thinking in my head. It's hard to talk about it, with all the journals I have online, I can't seem to really talk about it. Probably because I don't want anyone reading it, but then again I do want someone to read it. that sounds so weird lol. I talked with Alice today. She's doing okay, she decided finally AGAIN lol that she wants to sell her flat, the one I'm staying in (which soon I'll be gone from) and buy a house out in Kent or something. Which I am 100% happy for her really I am. We had plans for me returning, and she went as far as saying I could rent this flat from here blah blah, I'll spare you the details. Anyway so after visiting her sister, I guess her sister convinced her or whatever. Which again I'm fine with. As long as she sticks to a decision. But the thing is, if she sells this flat, then where am I going lol when I come back. So that was a little issue we had yesterday when we spoke on the phone, although she didn't lead on to it. Anyway today she's like no matter where I decide to buy a house or rent one or whatever, you'll have a place to come to. I'm like okay, that's cool thanks because I need to plan these things right? I mean she is really the only one I know apart from Chris but he wouldn't be able to help since he is going to Uni, and he lives on campus and all, so that not any help. I mean he would if he could is what I'm saying. So that's that! Least it got sorted.

Yeah did I mention that I won The Bangles contest, yes I did. I wrote about it in my personal blog. I won yes, but they canceled the concert that I wont it for, so I am being given some alternative gifts which is very sweet, and well nice. I would of loved Paris though :( .. It wasn't meant to be yet. I do plan on visiting France many times when I finally come back to live in the UK. So much for that. Anyway guess I'll get going.

mood: amused

music: Weezer - Thought I Knew | Scrobbled by Last.fm

I have seriously got into watching Big Brother 9 UK, but I've been catching up with the whole show on youtube, like Chris says, thank god for youtube haha. That is so right, without it we wouldn't be able to catch up with certain shows, such entertainment! So today has been a quiet day, just like most of my other days. I woke up to it raining, but it was nice because it was raining while the sun was out and that's always nice. I always forget to use the rich text version of this blog, it helps with inserting links. Anyway not much really going on. I've been trying to log into fotolog.com for like the past 2 or 3 weeks, I am getting no help what so ever, it's very aggravating. I don't know when they'll fix that site. Oh yeah I just joined another social network lol. I joined multiply.com my user is radchick if anyone is a member add me, i have no friends there yet :( lol oh well. I have joined a few groups, and set up my profile so that some of my stuff is imported from other sites including my blog or i think it's actually this journal that is imported, I would of done wordpress but as of yet i don't think they support that yet. Oh well so for now it will be livejournal. I'm watching Big Brother because I did't want it yesterday, so I'm catching up on it with the new housemates they just brought in. Anyway that's all for now. Can't wait till Chris gets online hehe.

mood: excited

music: Cliff Martinez - Will I See You? | Scrobbled by Last.fm

Wow another one has passed, I wonder if I'll be in America on a 4th of July. I mean come late this year I will be going back to California, to sort out some paper work. Because I have decided to live and work in the UK. Yeah so I know paper work won't take me a year to do, so I wonder will I ever get to see another 4th of July in America. I really miss them they are so incredible. I always seem to cry a little when it comes around. Just for a lot of reasons. I think anyone that is proud to be a part of their country would understand that. It don't matter where they are from. England, America, Japan, it really don't matter. I guess that is pride and honor huh? I linked this journal to my website but I now have decided to remove it, as I will put more personal things here than what I'd like people to know. So I may go and put my other journal and have that linked to my site. I don't know I get worried sometiems about writing about really personal things. Worried about who will read it, what will be said. Most of the time though I don't care what people say, but if I am including other peoples names and such they might not be too thrilled at me including them in my rants. I have a weblog and that is very public but we all know sometimes we just want to write, just for us. I do anyway. God knows how many weblogs I have online. Lol i think we all went through that at one time or another.

So yesterday I was pretty down. 4th of July and all. Family is in America. I spend the 4th alone here at home with a few online friends that are so dear to me. Like Chris, well Chris he is just the most amazing guy I have ever met and so very lucky to have gotten to know him. I hope that he is in my life forever. Does that sound corny? Well it's not, not to me anyway. I care about his very much, care about what he thinks of me, about how he feels. I want to be with him is the bottom line, but I know I can't because he is taken at the moment. I know most people will walk away. But I mean our friendship is very special and I guess no one would really understand it. I like the fact we have so much in common, well enough that we like to talk but not too much that we finish each others sentences lol, that would get boring. Not to mention that he is one gorgeous tall man with gorgeous blue eyes lol. I like that we can "talk" about anything you know? You'll hear a lot about him in my posts. More here than on my weblog site. I asked him today if he would like to be co-web with me on two of my domains and he said YES!!! So I'm really happy about that, and apparently he was too. He said he likes the fact he'll get some experience so that he can start working on his site. He's into directing, filming, editing films/video's. I've seen some of his work he's pretty good. I look forward to seeing a lot of good stuff coming from him. Okay enough about Chris. Hi!!! Chris if you ever read this lol. Ok well that about all for now. Not sure what I will be doing about the link, I may have to cross post sometimes, to the other journal. Anyway see you!

mood: awake

Another one rolling around already, wow it comes and goes so fast. I seem to always repeat myself when it comes to holidays, I say things like "time is going too fast, someone slow it down" yeah like that lol. But even if they repetitive, it's just so true. So today is Father's Day. I'm in England, and my father is in America. We have a funny relationship, well not funny just not cool I guess. We are not close, I mean I love my father, don't get me wrong. But as an adult and after my mother passed away God rest her soul, he has become distant. When my mom was around, sure he took some interest but not like most dads would. That kind of made me feel sad. So after mom passed away in 2001, you would think it would make us closer? Well it didn't! He somehow managed to find another partner, not marry her but just living with her, and ever since then he didn't ever seek to see how both me and my sister are doing. Growing up he seemed to favor the boys more. Is it like that with fathers? So anyway regardless of all that, I still love him and well I just don't let it bother me all that much. So Happy Father's Day to my Dad, my brothers Eric, Omar, Nelson and Jo who is the father of the her family and she does a dang good job at it too, and last but not least the newest addition to the family, my niece Amanda's baby's father, whom I forgot his name and have to take a moment to remember... YES it's Kyle haha, well it's his first Father's Day, so Happy Father's Day to him as well!! And Happy Father's Day to all the fathers and soon to be fathers out there, and those women who have to take the father's roll in the family because the father is not there. I think that covered everyone, I hope!

So the painter just arrived, 30 minutes late but who cares lol. I just wanted to mention it. He's a really nice and cute haha guy. He's putting on the gloss or whatever it is on the window edges or whatever it is you call them things, I'm in the bedroom and I can smell it lol. Omg my feet are still sore from helping packed for two days. And thats not even over yet, we got more stuff to pack that will come later. We've recently come to a problem, well not we but I am sort of involved even though I don't own the property, but yeah a bit of a snag on the estate agents behalf, talk about rudeness, anyway their performance was asinine to say the least. I won't get into details but don't ever deal with Wakefield Estate agents in England they are the rudest people ever. Anyway Al is taking care of business with that! I had an appointment yesterday to view a room but had to cancel because of this new crap that came up. The guy seems like such a sweetheart, he'd make an excellent flatmate, I hope he text's me back. Anyway other than that, we have no bed or chair in the flat haha because most of the things were taken to storage, so I'm sitting on two cushions in the bedroom floor as the guy works in the lounge painting. We do have a couch, but its probably cold out in the lounge as he has to leave the windows open, and if you remember seeing pictures of the lounge they are huge windows, and it's a bit chilly out, I hope we don't get rain because he's putting the last coat on the balcony floor, and would hate to see that washed away. Ok well thats all for now, Happy Father's Day everyone!